One of our objectives at SNNHK is to introduce parents and caregivers to the latest research and developments in therapies and treatments that might benefit our children. Many of us struggle with how to handle problematic behaviours, especially as our children grow.
We were fortunate to be joined on 25 September 2024 by Dr Peter Jakob, a pre-eminent author and international expert of the topic of Non-Violent Resistance therapy, or NVR. This means resistance to controlling, harmful or self-destructive behaviour, irrespective of diagnosis or condition. It is “transdiagnostic” in its approach.
Already popular in Europe and North America, Dr Jakob introduced NVR to SNNHK members and friends in Asia, explaining the theory and giving practical examples for parents and caregivers.
Dr Jakob explained that some groups of children are more prone to developing troubling behaviours, such as children who have witnessed or experienced abuse in the family, adopted children, young people in foster care, neurodivergent children, or young people from disadvantaged societies. However, there are many children who develop such behaviours without such conditions being present in their lives. The challenges that are presented by such behaviours can lead to parents feeling anxious, walking on eggshells, and often giving in to unreasonable demands. They may feel they have become “firefighters” instead of parents.
NVR is a family-centred approach helps parents build a supportive community and develop self-efficacy in responding to these behaviours. Dr Jakob described how parents can regain a “sense of agency” and “raise parental presence”. It is important to focus on the unacceptable and not to accept it; instead, exercise de-escalation, self-regulation and self-control. Parents and caregivers should hold a young person accountable for their future action. Dr Jakob imparted the importance of building a support network to solicit practical support from a caring community. As well as establishing a close circle of support that includes interested adults, organisations such as SNNHK can offer such a community.
Dr Jakob highlighted three different ways of raising parental presence. These include physical and spatial presence (take back space in your family home), systemic presence (refuse to give into unreasonable demands) and embodied presence (take back the role of providing care, and asserting that you matter to your child).
In terms of self-control, parents should remember it is important to “strike when the iron is cold”. That is, defer your response to problem behaviour when you and your child are calmer, avoiding an escalated response that could worsen the situation in the moment. Use a “positive campaign of concern”. Stick to priorities – don’t focus on smaller irrelevant details and behaviour or “small basket” activities. Remember that determination and persistence work over time.
We cannot change the child, and we cannot control the child. We can change ourselves and our relationship to the child. Dr Jakob advises showing unconditional gestures of positive regard, love and caring toward the child in general, not as a reward. This makes it more difficult for the child to hold onto a negative image of the parent.
Dr Jakob’s informative presentation was followed by a lively question and answer session where we received many questions along similar lines. How to control your child when they’re in the middle of a rage or temper tantrum being a key question that was asked. Dr Jakob stressed it’s important to ensure yourself and your other children are in a place of safety first and go back to “strike when the iron is cold”.
How should we make our child aware of consequences of aggressive behaviour at school or in public? This is where the support network comes in and it is important to build a rapport with the school and with teachers and for a consistent communication plan to be built with regards to learning consequences. Set consequences and stick to them.
Dr Jakob has recently set up a new clinic and website to focus on NVR and when we receive more details we will share them with members.
Thank you to all our members and friends who joined the seminar.
Please keep an eye on our website [here] for SNNHK’s next events!
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